


I Was Paid $5 to Write This

by Scavenger98



Category: Christian Bible, Naruto, Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Don't Judge Me, Money is Money
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-12 18:20:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21480784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scavenger98/pseuds/Scavenger98
Summary: Don't look at me.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	I Was Paid $5 to Write This

The sun was setting. It bathed the horizon in pinks and oranges, vibrant reds and swirling violets, each so carefully painted on the clouds that one could practically see a deific hand at work. The sea crashed restlessly against the rocks below, sending a distant cacophony up the cliffside to the reclined chair of our protagonist as he sipped at a root beer. The bottle was cold in his hand, and the breeze was salty against his eyes. He placed his drink down in the cupholder on his right and sighed.

Sonic the Hedgehog had lived for more years than he could remember and now, standing at the precipice of another, he came to the conclusion that he was, in fact, very very bored.

Sonic, having been a small, impressionable anthropomorphic hedgehog in his early years, and constantly needing to defend his friends from his nemesis, had imagined the possibilities of life to be many and varied, filled with struggle and triumph and an endless thirst for adventure. But now, several millennia later, here he sat on a lonely island cliff. There were no more mountains to climb. No more oceans to cross. No more robots to destroy, or stars to blow up with his little finger, or at least no fun to be had doing any of it for the millionth time. With his friends lost to entropy, his days whiling away in mediocrity, and his life seemingly without an expiration date, Sonic looked off into his latest sunset and made a decision.

“I’m gonna fight Jesus now.”

And so in the space between sound waves, before the last syllable of his proclamation had even left his lips, he disappeared. He ran with the speed of one unbound by reality’s laws, perceiving all that he passed in a perfectly clarified blur of ongoing life, endlessly complex yet to his eyes monotonous and grey. He crossed the Earth in its entirety in the space of an attosecond, recrossed it before another had passed, and yet still he found that he was stuck in his own time.

He leapt from the crust of his planet of birth and allowed the fullness of his powers to bloom. He shot forth into emptiness as a golden blur, celestial bodies crossing the distant corners of his awareness like motionless specks of dust, stars looming large yet insignificant as he left them behind. Time slowed to an infinitesimal motionless instant, yet still the present held him in its tyrannical clutches, refusing to relinquish him to his self-appointed task. His teeth gritted, he redoubled his efforts and pushed forward.

His power unfolding twice over beyond any limit he had previously acknowledged, his glowing fur bloomed into bright red, then electric turquoise, new forms allowing him to transcend position entirely and induce a heart attack in any copyright lawyer. Blood poured from his nose as his body strained to maintain its omnipresent velocity, until finally, everything went blank.

Sonic found that he was still. The world surrounding him was as a void, yet filled with something he could not identify. He raised his foot and found that already he had tapped it on the floor once again. He blinked and found his eyes newly opened once more.

“Destination?”

Sonic picked up his foot and found that he had already completed a turn to face the voice at his back.

“Who’re you?” he said before he thought to ask the question.

“Unimportant,” said the blank figure in a red onesie behind a large mahogany desk. “Now sir, obviously you are new, and I need to know your destination so that I may properly conduct you to it in a suitable manner. So…?”

“Jesus…?”

The whiteness began to dissolve and Sonic thought for a second that maybe he should run but already he was standing somewhere completely different.

Sun was beating down from above, onto a dirt road baked hard and cracked. Nobody was talking, but a quick look around found many of them staring.

“What do you think you’re looking at?”

The many people around him muttered but averted their eyes and mostly went about their business, all except for people who stood out for very different reasons. One was a shining golden beacon among human beings. He radiated good will toward the huddled masses, bottomless convictions, and a thunderous power beyond sensory comprehension. The ten-year-old child he was talking to was Jesus of Nazareth.

“No, no, you see the important thing is to protect people. The ones who take whatever they want, the ones who hurt people for the fun of it and put themselves before everyone else, those guys are the assholes you can’t let win.”

Naruto Uzumaki was sitting in period-appropriate clothing on a rock with his hair grown longer and the beginnings of a short goatee pushing out from his face. Jesus sat at his feet, legs crossed with a look of confusion on his face.

“That’s all well and good, but I don’t see how that matters when they keep stealing my lunch.”

“Oh no, those guys are definitely assholes and you should kick their asses if you can but honestly I don’t think that’s in your wheelhouse. You’re not exactly the biggest kid I’ve met and from what you said they’re pretty strong.”

“But you just said I should fight for people, not myself.” Jesus only looked more confused.

“You saying you’re not people?”

It was at that moment that Sonic walked up to them.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Naruto looked the hedgehog up and down, frowning.

“What am I doing here? What the fuck are you doing here? This place is supposed to be humans only, jackass.”

“Fine, whatever, now fuck of, I need to fight that kid.”

Naruto stood up and put himself between Sonic and Jesus, who was staring very confusedly at the blue hedgehog in front of him.

“You know this thing?”

“I’m a protagonist, little buddy. We all know each other. Now step back, this could get messy.” Naruto squared his stance and clenched his fists before bursting into yellow flames. “Now, let our great and dignified battle begin!”

Sonic glowed gold himself and prepared to fight, but suddenly the man in front of him burst into smoke and he heard laughing from somewhere down the road.

“Motherfucker!” Sonic pushed off from the ground and shot after the golden ninja, leaving a swirling wind behind him that threw people’s clothes all over the place. Naruto was fast, but Sonic was faster. At the pace they were moving it was mere seconds before they left buildings behind and shot into the surrounding countryside. Jesus, currently hanging off of Naruto’s shoulder like a sack of cabbages, looked about green enough to throw up soon. Sonic was within feet of his quarry when Naruto dropped down into nowhere, and Sonic found himself overshooting by at least a mile in the half second it took him to realize what had happened. He turned to double back, and heard a terrible rumbling.

A ship, a metal ship the size of a school bus rose out of the ground into the air, engines glowing bright blue. A voice cackled out from a loudspeaker, a shit-eating grin dripping from every word.

“Suck my golden dick, furball! You aren’t killing any messiahs today!”

The ship turned its shining nose toward the sun and disappeared in a blur of motion. Sonic growled under his breath, lunged into a running stance and shot off from the ground after it, confident he could catch the strange contraption if he pushed himself a little. They left the Solar System behind and shot across interstellar space, the ship always seeming to be a little bit faster than he accounted for. He gritted his teeth and pushed forward, aiming for the hull.

A small crew of Narutos were busy throwing seemingly random switches inside when they felt the entire thing shudder and the atmosphere begin to vent. The original cursed loudly and began to glow again, stepping away from the pilot’s chair. He extended his hand and massive golden proxy shot forward, curving down the hall and taking hold of Sonic. He turned his eyes to his young charge.

“Jesus,” he said grimly, “take the wheel.”

In a burst of wind he shot back out through the hole in the hull and grappled with his furry adversary in the vacuum of space. Naruto was not fast enough or strong enough to contain him for long, but Sonic was exhausted from transcending the fundamental laws of the universe, so he couldn’t seem to shake the golden ninja. They were deadlocked, tumbling between stars in the wake of the ruined ship. Sonic was preparing to knee Naruto in the crotch for a third time when the wreck finally fell apart, crumbling from the inside but not exploding in a fiery way because it was in space. Floating among the metal shards and sparking cables, he saw a small body, limp. Naruto gasped and yelled soundlessly into the void. Sonic, grinning, seized his chance.

With his fist barely a centimeter from the boy’s face, Sonic watched his eyes open, pure lightless white. Everything froze, and the boy’s lips mouthed an unpronounceable word, heard despite the lack of air to carry it. The world ceased, without any glowing hair or changes in outfit.

His face hit the ground in the same moment he began to feel himself tip over. The space around him was an empty whiteness, the ground only distinguished by the fact he was now lying on it. Naruto blinked at the hedgehog and realized his eyes were dry. He had lost his golden glow, but he still had a goatee and it still looked incredibly strange.

“Welcome back, dumbasses.” It was the strange onesie man, still sitting behind his mahogany desk but now smoking a ridiculously oversized cigar. “I see everything went well.”

“Hey, it’s the longcoat eyeliner woman!”

Sonic blinked. He was about to ask what he meant when he realized he had already figured out the answer: the onesie was but a trick of perception, as was the cigar, the desk, and the masculine gender. What sat before him was but a sliver of something much greater, presenting the part of itself that he could best understand.

“What the hell, asshole? Did you know this would happen?”

The thing chuckled and Sonic understood. This had all been a game, just a sick twisted ploy to create a situation this thing found humorous. Naruto held his head in his hands, muttering something under his breath and staring blankly at the floor.

“But… But what…?” Once again Sonic realized he already knew and the thing smirked. “God dammit, stop doing that!”

But it wasn’t paying attention to either of them anymore. It had pulled out a phone and begun playing back a video. Sonic listened close and heard a single sentence repeated, over and over.

“Jesus, take the wheel. Jesus, take the wheel. Jesus, take the wheel. Jes-”

“And, send.” Its thumb hit a button and there was a faint whooshing sound. 

Sonic stood there, rooted to the spot by rage. His eyes met Naruto’s and he saw the same fury there, unbridled and ready to destroy. They nodded and power surged forth as brilliant golden light. They cried out and leapt forward!

Sonic didn’t know what he had been doing. He stared out at the ocean, his root beer clutched in his elderly hand. The sun was passing over the horizon. He thought he had been about to do something, but if he had forgotten it, it couldn’t be all that important. Without another stray thought, he closed his eyes, and slipped into a dream, contented.


End file.
